Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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