Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I could make wine with my vomit
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
