I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
