the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This girl is more easily done than said...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
