Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
