I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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