as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
