let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
