I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
