I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
