dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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