They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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