if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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