My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
