The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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