I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I will pee on everything he values.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
