I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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