I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
