Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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