All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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