i may or may not be watching the land before time
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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