Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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