Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
