Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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