Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
