So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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