Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't deserve a penis
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
