Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
