rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
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Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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