: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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