3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
