My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
