also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
