hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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