You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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