I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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