barbara walters just said penis...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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