hotties wanna shake it
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.