I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT