she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME