The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime