I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
