Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
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He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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