Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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