I will die if light touches me.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
