I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
40s are totally the cure
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
