I love black thongs
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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