I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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