You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
