dude i'm inner monologue high
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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