gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my sisters under your porch take her home
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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