what day is it and did you see me today?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.