I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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