remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
