I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
