Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
